Contract breach be damned, Bravo has rolled out a new season of crazy stitchers and they are planning to push them to the edge of sanity.
Well, break out the Thorazine and get this party started!
The beginning is always so difficult for me to differentiate between all the effete men; rockers with tattoos; guys who are STRAIGHT, dammit; girls with ironic bangs; and the just overconfident wackos.
So, as the curtain rises, the designers are all moving into their generic "luxury" apartments and introducing themselves around. To keep them straight (pun intended) I will group them just as the casting people must have.
Jerrel: Oh yes, he's rocking it shirtless. Doesn't Parsons have a "No Shirt, No Service" rule? Can they make one?
Wesley: Who wears short shorts? This guy.
Daniel: The man has birds in his audition video and a "windswept" hairdo. Need I say more?
Girls with Ironic Bangs:
Emily: There will be rompers.
Leanne: Her clothing line is called Leanimals and she is rocking the jolie-laide glasses. And she's from Portland. Look for her to get annoyed that she has to make something commercial looking.
Kenley: Ooh, an interesting twist...the Bettie Page look with bright red lipstick. Expect references to forties glamour and ironic nudity in the future.
Kelli: This girl actually reminds me of my wedding hairstylist. And she was great. So I will not snark.
Stella: To quote a doctor friend of mine, this chick has packed a lot of living into her years.
Keith: Who? Oh the guy who looks like the military jerk on Lost.
Joe: This dude is like totally normal. WTF?
Suede: This is like the perfect storm. Blue faux-hawk. Refers to himself in the third person. Use of snipping in a Z formation.
Blayne: SWEET GOD. The producers hit the jackpot. Sloppy hats, tanning beds and tank tops, oh my.
Jerry Tam: Ah, the "established designer" who sneers at everyone else. Comeuppance is near.
The Jury is Still Out:
Jennifer: Huh. So normal. Weird.
Korto: Also normal. Bizarre.
So, the designers find their Tyra Mail telling them to go to the roof for kudos and champagne!
But no challenge.
For that, they must be awakened at four freaking thirty by Tim. FOUR THIRTY people. That is just plain cruel. And why was that one chick already in the shower? Methinks that reality television has elements that are not totally as they seem! But Tim looks as fabulous as ever at that hour. Like you thought it would be otherwise?
They head to a Gristedes where Austin Scarlett drops by to remind them how awesome season one was. Do you remember Wendy Pepper's edible necklace bikini?
Anyhoo, this is the most well stocked Gristedes I've ever seen. Seriously, can I shop here? This is better than Social Safeway for crying out loud. They all grab whatever they can and head to the check out.
Then it's back to the workroom for some sewing and sneering. There's a lot of throwing stones. Living in glass houses, you get the drift.
Then Tim comes in and after seeing the same picnic tablecloth sewn three different ways, he tells them that they SUCK. And are SLACKERS. SUCK!
Kelli and Daniel escape his wrath by actually doing something good, and Tim looks like he's talking to a "special" person when he greets Blayne and his placemat-maxi pad bikini.
Duly scared, the designers try to save their dresses, but there is no hope. Also, Stella has not chosen the Hefty bags, and therefore see through and crappy. I use this segment to show my husband why we don't buy generic.
At some point, Blayne calls his model fat. And "girlicious." God, I hate this guy.
On the runway, there is a huge pile of mediocrity, with several standouts on the high end, and the poo end.
Kelli, Korto, and Daniel are singled out for their designs. Kelli worked up a nice looking dress with tons of unique materials and Korto has a very bright paper dress enhanced by some roughage. Mmm, kale. Daniel stands out for his Balenciaga-esque bag made from Solo plastic cups. His workstation looked like a frat party on a Sunday morning.
On the stink end, the judges heaped on the quips for Blayne's diaper unitard. My husband called it "crotch feathers." Stella's garbage bag toga got equal bewilderment as being just dumb. But special praise went to Jerry for his American Psycho raincoat. I'm guessing he was thinking about returning some videotapes after the show.
In the end, Jerry got the boot, and Kelli took the win. And I still have no idea who half these people are.
Except Blayne. Oh please Bravo gods, let justice come swiftly and have him axed from the show. I'll pass along my first born to be featured in "The Real Kids of Capitol Hill" (debuting in spring of 2020). Pretty please?